The Movement of Nothing

I’m sorry this post will be a little somber for the spirit of Christmas, but that’s the way life works anyways.

So this weekend, I found out what moving on meant. Not only what it meant but also how it felt. I found out that everyone’s ‘go to’ phrase when you’re crying at a bar with two vodka redbulls in your hands is ‘it’ll be okay’. I get that but right now it isn’t, just move the cup up to my mouth, tell me to forget about it for a while, and tell the DJ to put on Adele so I can dance and cry at the same time.

After my fiasco with crying, vodka redbulls, and a long night of long talks, I went home and laid in my bed. Heels and all and cried more. There was crying everywhere and I blamed it on running into my ex’s friend. If that son of a bitch wasn’t nice, he could have left me alone and not talked about my ex for ten minutes while I chugged my drink and nodded my head. I woke up with a terrible headache, a horrible face, and a lot of shakings of my head while I whispered ‘what the fuck Sam’ to myself multiple times. Needless to say, I hope your Saturday was better than mine.

So what did I do after a night of crying? I went on all my social networks and did what everyone is guilty of doing. Something I haven’t done in weeks and decided in my fragile state THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO CREEP someone who wasn’t in my life anymore. Girls can be idiots. Which leads me to my next point:
—–>>>>>I think social media has ruined the moving on process, truly. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as human beings is trying to stay updated with someone who isn’t in our life anymore. When we find something we don’t like, it hurts us, it reminds us that were broken and were probably making no progress at all. Yesterday, I found something because I was looking for it. It was my own fault. I questioned why I even do this to myself? Why do I look on his or her twitter or instagram to see what the new update is? I don’t care; I don’t want to know so what the hell am I doing? Am I looking for an excuse to bitch? Probably. I’m a great bitcher or bitch for that matter. I go looking for it, I find it, and then I’m upset. That doesn’t make any sense.  Well, I found something alright and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I ate a pizza in my room in the dark and my mom didn’t even question me. A hundred things ran through my head once I saw a new picture of my ex with his new girlfriend. But not one of them were positive. If you feel negative, you will only think of the negative, I’ve learned. My mom popped her head into my room and told me to come downstairs but all I wanted to do was sleep and think about getting drunk tomorrow. I hauled my ass out of my bed and my mom turned on the loudest Mexican music I’ve ever heard and started dancing. I had no idea what was even going on while she tried to do the washing machine from Selena. She grabbed my hands and made me dance with her and I laughed for a half hour straight. She never let me stop dancing and we never stopped laughing.

That is what moving on feels like. It stabs you in the heart so you can feel it all, but in moments, you’re laughing until you realize how sad you still are. Those moments are what I call physic moments. You’re seeing into the future. There will come a time where those moments will be your life and the sad thoughts will be replaced with some new sad thought or worry. I was happy until the dancing stopped and I was stuck in my room again. Then something else happened. I got a call from someone very important in my life lately who was scaring me all day saying we needed to talk. The cherry on top of the fucking ice cream. When he finally called, I sat on my mom’s bed with a lump in my throat. ‘I just wanted to say I miss you’ he said and repeated throughout our conversation. I was smiling again. I was pissed off but I was smiling. Here was someone who just made me happy for the rest of the day and I was so grateful for him to an extent he will never know. Within my day of sad realizations, there were always moments to remind me that I don’t live in the past and I’m living in this now where things are happening. Then I remembered… so is my ex. So are the people in my past, they are living in this now too.

Realizations…

Seeing the picture of my ex and his new girlfriend isn’t the end of my life. The negative thoughts I’m telling myself are entirely my fault. This morning my friend told me ‘I think the picture is a sign telling you that its okay to let go, that he’s going to be okay and that you are too.’  Yeah, within all my negative and sad thoughts, there was a positive one. Seeing things like that shouldn’t make us want to live in the past, it should make us realize that sometimes you’re better off letting go then reminiscing and here is your sign. If you go looking for it, you’re going to find it, bad news or good; and that goes for anything in life. Be careful with the access to unwanted or wanted knowledge. There is my rant, there is my beauty in letting go, thank you for living in my past moments, start living in your nows.