What I learned from dating myself
As I sat on my bed, at 4am, waiting for a text back, I realized how lonely it was dating myself. I called a number that would never pick up, a number that would never call me. I text a number who never asked about my interests or thoughts or dreams; it was as if I was talking to myself in a mirror, only scratching the surface. I sat with a body that would never look at me and smile that stupid look and you all know what look I’m talking about. That look you give when you’re with someone and you say, “Okay, I’m happy.” It was always me staring at myself in the mirror trying to convince myself that we were happy. “Okay, you’re happy. This is good.” (Grateful smile) There was even something scarier about dating myself; I was dating myself at 16. The hesitant, scared, ‘freedom’ wanting, no commitment so I won’t get hurt or miss out on things, self. I was dating me when I was selfish. I had come so far in my life to try and scratch that image of this immature me out of history, but here she was… never calling, never really caring. While I still consider myself selfish, I changed the definition. My selfishness means that I changed the definition of love as well. Love didn’t take away my freedom, it created new freedoms for me. Love didn’t hold me back from events or people, if it were right, it would accompany me on all my adventures. Love wasn’t scary or painful, people were. Love is worth it; therefore my selfishness was about my worth. I am worth attention. I am worth someone being proud to be with me. I am worth the call. I am worth the deep silly conversations. You are all worth more than a surface relation in your life.
- I’m not mad at my misfortunes.
When I say this, I mean, after my most recent breakup, I didn’t find myself angry, vengeful, or hateful. I was sad. I was so sad that I allowed myself to feel less than I know I am worth. I was sad that I put in 100% while I got 0% sometimes 5% on a good day. I was sad because I questioned my being… “Was I not good enough to get to know?” “He didn’t even take the time to get to know me, he didn’t care.” Break-ups are also pretty minuscule when you’re busy at work all day. But I’d get home to wait for the delayed text messages of small talk. I missed the stupid conversations that would lead nowhere and almost forgot how much I yearned for the conversation that would matter. Those never came. Not much really did.
- I was dating my karma.
I was a total bitch in my last relationship (before this recent break-up). Not really into it, writing people off. Putting in 5% in on good days. Well, I got that back with full force and it sucks. WOW, does it suck breaking up with someone who doesn’t care that you broke up? It’s much easier to move on, but it’s a time-consuming thought.
- I learned something about life after college.
I learned a valuable lesson that college (party) girls will always be much more desired than a struggling 22-year old that’s starting off her career, at least to the younger demographics. Not many boys mature right after college and they’re often chasing the after college party. I learned I SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS. Fuck no, I worked too damn hard and have drunk too damn much to linger over someone I was two years ago. Boys and girls should realize we all have to grow the fuck up sometime. I felt so damn proud of myself to be able to say I moved on from that stage of super slutty outfits and throwing up in my toilet to call my night successful.
- I learned that dating myself also meant breaking up with myself.
When my relationship ended, I think so did a little part of my teenage college life did as well. The tantrums, chasing the boy, empty relationships that I would have endured when I was younger were no longer something I could deal with in my future. I needed a dude who would order pizza before I got to his house and watch stupid shit with me all night. A guy who didn’t need to impress his ‘bros’ by fucking rando’s every time they had a boys night. No, I needed someone who could think of another person once in a while. I realized that being with someone who was going to make me important in his life meant I had to let go of the girl who was ok with not being important to someone else. I feel much better without her.
- I hope for the best
Not only for me, for him. I hope he finds what he’s looking for and by that I mean I hope he finds himself. I never thought there would come a day where I would be dumped and an hour later I would be gut hurting laughing with my family. I wasn’t bitter and that is something I’ve always been. Not only with this last relationship, but I think this helped me let go of a lot of crap I’ve been holding onto.
- Sex and the City never made so much God damn sense.
I seriously mean this. I think girls often forget how lucky we can be to have genuine girlfriends. I never thought I would have girls in my life that could make me forget about something that made me so sad. I didn’t want to sulk so I packed my things and went to see my roommates. There is nothing better than seeing the faces of people who genuinely love you, even when you’re not being very lovable. There is also nothing better than receiving text messages from your other girlfriends reminding you why they love you. It’s a treasure I learned to cherish later in my life, but I’m glad I found people to help me realize how you’re not really alone in anything.
- I said goodbye and I said hello.
I said goodbye to not only one relationship, but also the whole boatload of them that I had been holding onto. I said goodbye to the expectations of people and said hello to the understanding of what I deserve in a relationship. I said hello to someone I’ve been dying to meet for years. If in the future, I find out I have been dating myself, I’ll be a damn lucky girl.
samanthabridget 
