Make Lemons

I need to write now because its 6am and I’m sitting in my living room with my dad’s robe on, smoking a sober cigarette because I can. Quite a catch I am, huh? I didn’t want to write about this because I don’t like showing the vulnerable side of me but I promised to be true to all of you, so here I am, all of me.

It’s funny. When did we all become such cynical hard fucks? When did we start to put up our walls? Or have we’ve always had them there because of instinct? I don’t know but anyway… I think in one semester I’ve learned more than I have in a lifetime which surprises me how much we can learn in such a little time. Right now, I’m happy and sad at the same time. I’m happy with who’s in my life and I’m sad with who’s leaving it and with who’s recently left, I suppose.

No matter our walls, we all put our feelings on the line for the hope of feeling like we have no barriers within ourselves. It’s true. What’s sad is that I don’t think other people realize that. Sometimes it’s a one-way street… Just us hoping and the other person just living their life with no intentions. Other times you find someone who’s on the same road as you, that’s luck. I read a quote recently that said “Right person, right time, right place, pick two” that’s so fucking accurate right? Don’t mind me being a girl right now. I just think humanity has lost their intuition on believing we’re all going through something. By humanity, I guess my mind is referring to one person but you’re all thinking of that one person right now anyway.

I wish I could be that person who could easily tell someone I’m going to miss them; this generation has lost that strength. Everything is about technology and not saying what needs to be said. Where are the people who love conversation and saying what needs to be said?  We rely on alcohol to show our true selves and that’s so sad because life is too much of a mind fuck not to share it with someone else, friend or lover. EW, did I really just say lover? I’m a grandma stuck in this 21-year-old body. — I’m going to get to the point right now; I wish I had told someone all I needed to say much sooner before I let it eat me up and make me into this emotional thing. I wish I had told them that I cared and that I was going to miss them with every bone in my body and that I wanted to hold onto every moment with them before they left. This person thinks no one will miss them, but what they don’t realize is… everyone can always feel when someone leaves. I wish I could have told them that or made them realize that. “What I meant by that is; life is easy with you here… and when you’re gone, it will be hard again.” Rejection. Rejection held me back.

Maybe I was born in the wrong era because I don’t know when everyone got so scared to ‘talk’. My hope for everyone reading this is that you are the person who can be true to yourself. Say stupid things, important things, anything because you feel it. That’s living. We look back and regret the things we’ve never said and the things we’ve never done because of fear and rejection. Fear and rejection are just temporary things, they are just moment feelings. When you’re about to ride a roller coaster, you’re scared. That’s fear. When you’re riding it, you might still be scared but you’re having the time of your life because you did it, because even though you were scared, you went through with it. You learn in the end that you’re happy you did what you did. Life is not much different everybody. Not much different at all.

(I literally just stopped writing and went to subway for milk because my poor ass doesn’t have any milk and I really wanted hot chocolate. Subway does sell milk if anyone was wondering.)

In the end, I need everyone to know, no matter how ‘tough’ you are, you feel. Everyone fucking feels, everything. It’s never a one-way street even though it might seem that way most of the time. We are all actually lucky to not be alone, you just don’t see it that way. It’s okay to be sentimental fucks, alone or with someone who doesn’t care if you cry onto their lap while listening to Rascal Flatts, I swear that’s not a personal story….maybe it is, yeah I’ve done it. I hope what you can take away is not to be scared for a moment and just live in it with eyes closed. You will learn from anything you do, it will help. If you’re not going to take my advice, I suppose I’ll take my own. My hot chocolate is done, goodnight and good day everyone.

God is in the Pancakes

Happy Thanksgiving or whatever day you’re reading this everyone! I need to get the monkey off my back and just goes balls out of my first post. Is ‘getting the monkey off my back’ even a saying? Mind you it’s 5am on Thanksgiving and I’m sitting in a dark room listening to Cold Play right now while trying to, nonchalantly, take pictures of my bunny sleeping. Perfect time to transition into my topic, I’d say.

Yes, apparently this is a thing.

             Holy hell, who wants to take advice from me with an intro like that? This is a break-up entry because dealing with one is worse but making the same excuses for a dying relationship is a lot worse.

The Folk you will Encounter during a Break-Up

1. The Fuckher/him: This is not the person who is so infuriated with their ex that everyone else sucks just as much as their ex and they want nothing to do with anyone; this is the person who can’t seem to keep in their pants long enough so they trick the goods into thinking its still in a relationship with something.

The ugly truth:
 

 

In all honesty: At some point during all the pointless flirting and sex you will hear a song that you’ve tried so hard to forget, and I promise it will not be making you think of that person the other week who’s name may have started with a J or an A.

2. The Miley: Someone who cuts, dyes, or buzzes their hair; buys a new wardrobe, gets their nails done, waxes their body, gets facials, and hell why not, throw in a nose job.

The ugly truth: Congratulations! You look hot, but just because you look like a completely different person, doesn’t mean you are a completely different person and it most certainly does not mean that you’re dealing with a completely different break up.

3. The Invisibility Cloak: Also known as “The Repressor”: What break up? I’m fine. Never happened. Don’t talk about it. I’m okay.
The ugly truth: Unfortunately, it DID happen, and you DO need to talk about it or else one day you will explode at the most unfortunate time. Possibly at a busy restaurant, where you look over to the people next to you and you notice one of them is holding their fork the same way your ex held their fork and that triggers something and before you know it, you’re sobbing into your ribs. The break up process starts a  lot later and will take a heavier toll.

Note* I didn’t put “The crier” because those people cry so much for a month or two about it and realize they’re all cried out and ready to move on. People tend not to want to be little bitches for a long period of time, and honestly, no one wants to be around that either.

              The invisibility cloak is where my personal story begins. How could I write about break ups and solutions without having any personal experience, right? Unfortunately, as time would tell, my break up is a little over recent but still pretty new to me. I read somewhere that it takes half the time you dated someone, to get over him or her. In my case that would be a year and a half and I didn’t have the time or want in my life to deal with that, so I didn’t. It was an emotionless break up for me and I probably seemed like a cold-hearted bitch at the time it ended. I didn’t cry about anything; I didn’t talk about it; I avoided all areas, which would make me think about him; I blocked him off all social medias; I burned all of our memories without flintching. I didn’t listen to sad music, in fact, I barely listened to music; I even stopped writing. It was over and I was better off letting it go and never looking back.

It’s funny how strong people see you when you do things like that. When you act like something doesn’t faze you in the least bit. I was ‘strong’ and I believed it. It wasn’t until a month or two ago, when I looked back at my tumblr that I realized I had a sad bitch deep in my soul that I wasn’t letting out. Everything was morbid; sad, mad, or hateful. I ignored the realization and decided to start listening to music again, only to later realize that all I was listening to was Adele and a station on my Pandora called ‘Sad Songs’ radio. I started sleeping more and losing my drive to go to class. Everything was slow motion all of a sudden and I couldn’t put my finger on why. I figured I was itching to visit somewhere or go see something but that only made me realize that I had such a want to run away.

Things like this would happen occasionally

It wasn’t until I went to my British Lit class where my teacher spoke about an opportunity, to write a letter to someone who’s passed away or is alive but write as if they have passed away, for extra credit. The second he proposed it, I turned to the back of my spiral and started writing a letter to him: my ex. Before I knew it, my throat stung and my vision obscured from my eyes filling with tears. I went into the bathroom and sobbed like a child for easily a half hour. I had never felt like Ron Burgundy more in this moment. I was one with the feeling of being in a glass case of emotion.  Knowing I was going to go back into my classroom with swollen eyes, I put my head down, grabbed my stuff, and excused myself from the rest of class.

Real photo of actual event in bathroom stall.

It was raining when I got outside and I felt like I was in a really depressing movie as I walked in the pouring rain, crying, listening to Adele. I really wish someone could have video taped me for a music video or something because that is exactly how it probably looked. Actually, probably not, I’m a hideous crier and was doing a weird walk/run so I could get home faster. When I got home, I came to terms with that fact that I had for sure repressed my break up and it was biting me in the ass, hard. Now what?

NOW WHAT IN-FUCKING-DEED. Meeting someone new, changing myself, or any other alternative was not going to work anymore. I had to DEAL with the NOW of my emotions. The last thing anyone should ever do, HEED MY WARNING, is text your ex because you’re feeling down. I knew I couldn’t text him but what do you do when the one person you used to talk to when you ever felt this down, is gone? I wrote. I wrote letters upon letters to him that I know he would never read but it was an opportunity to talk to him again, to get everything I needed to say, out. The feelings that you’re supposed to have right when you break up were all coming to me now. My life hurt without him, physically. I woke up thinking about him, tried all day not to think about him, went to bed, only to wake up and do it all over again. It was exhausting but that was the process. It wasn’t until the other week I realized I was writing a paper with our song playing in the background. The beauty of it was that the song was already towards the end and I hadn’t noticed it until then.

            I know the song thing doesn’t seem very big but it is a very big step for me. I knew the letters I wrote to him would eventually dwindle; they will eventually stop all together one day. As much as anyone will deny it, our hearts love to be dramatic, it gets our blood racing. So, be dramatic within yourself, feel it all, who cares? Thats how life happens people: it fucks you and you deal with it wether you want to or not. Life’s helping hand is time, take it, bask in it.

*If you’re interested in seeing the depressing Tumblr I was talking about in my post, heres the link. I’m naturally a dark soul with a sunshine outlining so take me as I am. Fabulous.

Tumblr: samii-love.tumblr.com