I need to write now because its 6am and I’m sitting in my living room with my dad’s robe on, smoking a sober cigarette because I can. Quite a catch I am, huh? I didn’t want to write about this because I don’t like showing the vulnerable side of me but I promised to be true to all of you, so here I am, all of me.
It’s funny. When did we all become such cynical hard fucks? When did we start to put up our walls? Or have we’ve always had them there because of instinct? I don’t know but anyway… I think in one semester I’ve learned more than I have in a lifetime which surprises me how much we can learn in such a little time. Right now, I’m happy and sad at the same time. I’m happy with who’s in my life and I’m sad with who’s leaving it and with who’s recently left, I suppose.
No matter our walls, we all put our feelings on the line for the hope of feeling like we have no barriers within ourselves. It’s true. What’s sad is that I don’t think other people realize that. Sometimes it’s a one-way street… Just us hoping and the other person just living their life with no intentions. Other times you find someone who’s on the same road as you, that’s luck. I read a quote recently that said “Right person, right time, right place, pick two” that’s so fucking accurate right? Don’t mind me being a girl right now. I just think humanity has lost their intuition on believing we’re all going through something. By humanity, I guess my mind is referring to one person but you’re all thinking of that one person right now anyway.
I wish I could be that person who could easily tell someone I’m going to miss them; this generation has lost that strength. Everything is about technology and not saying what needs to be said. Where are the people who love conversation and saying what needs to be said? We rely on alcohol to show our true selves and that’s so sad because life is too much of a mind fuck not to share it with someone else, friend or lover. EW, did I really just say lover? I’m a grandma stuck in this 21-year-old body. — I’m going to get to the point right now; I wish I had told someone all I needed to say much sooner before I let it eat me up and make me into this emotional thing. I wish I had told them that I cared and that I was going to miss them with every bone in my body and that I wanted to hold onto every moment with them before they left. This person thinks no one will miss them, but what they don’t realize is… everyone can always feel when someone leaves. I wish I could have told them that or made them realize that. “What I meant by that is; life is easy with you here… and when you’re gone, it will be hard again.” Rejection. Rejection held me back.
Maybe I was born in the wrong era because I don’t know when everyone got so scared to ‘talk’. My hope for everyone reading this is that you are the person who can be true to yourself. Say stupid things, important things, anything because you feel it. That’s living. We look back and regret the things we’ve never said and the things we’ve never done because of fear and rejection. Fear and rejection are just temporary things, they are just moment feelings. When you’re about to ride a roller coaster, you’re scared. That’s fear. When you’re riding it, you might still be scared but you’re having the time of your life because you did it, because even though you were scared, you went through with it. You learn in the end that you’re happy you did what you did. Life is not much different everybody. Not much different at all.
(I literally just stopped writing and went to subway for milk because my poor ass doesn’t have any milk and I really wanted hot chocolate. Subway does sell milk if anyone was wondering.)
In the end, I need everyone to know, no matter how ‘tough’ you are, you feel. Everyone fucking feels, everything. It’s never a one-way street even though it might seem that way most of the time. We are all actually lucky to not be alone, you just don’t see it that way. It’s okay to be sentimental fucks, alone or with someone who doesn’t care if you cry onto their lap while listening to Rascal Flatts, I swear that’s not a personal story….maybe it is, yeah I’ve done it. I hope what you can take away is not to be scared for a moment and just live in it with eyes closed. You will learn from anything you do, it will help. If you’re not going to take my advice, I suppose I’ll take my own. My hot chocolate is done, goodnight and good day everyone.
samanthabridget 